Chasing Normal

Late one night, my husband and I drifted into a conversation about feeling “normal.” I’m not sure how we landed on the topic, but at one point I asked him, “how do you define ‘normal?'”

“Like me,” he said, shrugging.

I laughed out loud. Never in my life would I have defined normal as anything like me. Those of you in my generation might remember the old Sesame Street ditty, “One of these things is not like the others. (be careful with that link – it’ll be in your head all day).I have felt something different from normal for as long as I can remember, for reasons I can’t put my finger on. Perhaps it’s a female thing, or maybe I’m just a little weird. Seems people most often describe me in terms of too much or not enough. Maybe you recognize some these observations:

• Too smart.
• Too loud.
• Too independent.
• Too successful.
• Too intimidating.
• Too quick.
• Too tough.
• Too fat.
• Too needy.
• Too confident.
• Too insecure.
• Too shy.
• Too young.
• Too old.
• Not pretty enough.
• Not gentle enough.
• Not girly enough.
• Not tough enough.
• Not good enough.
• Not loving enough.
• Not confident enough.
• Not needy enough.
• Not athletic enough.
• Not old enough.

What I’ve learned over the years is that when people constantly feel a need to tell you that you’re too much or not enough, what they’re really saying is that you’re different from them and they don’t know what to do with that.

It is exhausting.

It can create in us this compulsion to pursue “normalcy” based on the people around us. For many years, I took upon myself the responsibility to slice and dice myself to fit into whatever Goldilocks “Just Right” mold it seemed like I was supposed to conform to. It never worked. I ended up trying too hard to be something I didn’t really understand and couldn’t pull off.

During a particularly confusing season of my life that lasted so much longer than I like to admit, I started frequenting bars. It was around the time things at my home church went off the rails. I’d just returned from college and started my first job. I was the only 20-something in the church, which was a little isolating. Then the church split, and I found myself disenfranchised, disenchanted and disappointed. Dissed, you could say.

So I decided, in all my youthful wisdom, to see what I was missing. At first, people were shocked to see me stroll into a bar. I couldn’t even really stroll, to be honest. I felt weird and I had no idea what to order because I’d never really had alcohol before. I was a church kid. I wasn’t the kind of person who hung out in bars. And not even classy bars. They were dive bars. I was supposed to hang out in youth group, not ladies night. People kept asking me what I was doing there. I should have listened to them. But I persisted, determined to “fit in” somewhere. Sometimes it’s not good to be a quick learner.

By the time I was done trying to fit in, I hardly recognized myself. I looked a lot more like the people around me but I no longer felt like myself, had done a million things I’m horribly ashamed of and had lost all track of who it was God created me to be.

My “normal,” if it ever existed to start with, had shifted dramatically in ways I didn’t appreciate. Things that used to shock me, I took in stride. Things I swore I’d never do, I did. Like the fabled boiled frog, I let myself become desensitized to what was happening to me and around me.

It made for some wild stories, but it’s a terrible testimony, and it wasn’t even all that much fun most of the time.

It’s been a few years now since God took hold of my out-of-control life, dusted me off and set me back on the right track. I’m at least pointed in the right direction most of the time now. I’m grateful for it and humbled by it.

Now, I recognize that submitting to God’s way is a choice I make every day, not just someone else’s expectation of my behavior. I choose it now not because someone is making me, but because I know from my own experience that His way is so much better than my way. That’s always the case, isn’t it? But it’s a lot easier on a person to take it on faith rather than learning the hard way. Trust me.

I bring it up here because I was reminded of it through my Bible study recently. I just finished my chronological study of the Old Testament with Nehemiah in my daily quiet time, and have picked up the OneYear Bible in progress, which happened to point me to John 8 a few days later.

In Nehemiah, we read about the rebuilding of Jerusalem’s walls as the exiles return to their land and their city and begin to rebuild not just their home but their relationship with God. In Nehemiah 9, the remnant prays for God’s restoration and forgiveness, saying “Behold, we are slaves in this day; in the land that you gave to our fathers to enjoy …” God had promised Israel that land, but it was part of the Persian empire and subject to the kings of Persia. They were God’s people, but they were living as slaves and they knew it. They wanted to be free from their oppressors, but they weren’t willing to give up their sin. So they remained slaves.

The voice of God was all but silent for several hundred years after that. And by the time we catch up with the people in the book of John, Jerusalem is now a bustling city under the Roman Empire, and the leaders of the Israelites are these religious Pharisees who proclaim to Jesus in John 8:33 “We are the offspring of Abraham and have never been enslaved to anyone.” How quickly they forget.

Consider that. Selah, if you will. They were born in slavery to the Roman Empire, and their “normal” had so shifted from that Promised Land that God gave to the people under Joshua that they didn’t even realize anymore that they were slaves.

Kind of like when we’re rocking a brand-new plus size dress, but have to circle the parking lot five times for a close spot because we can’t walk very far anymore without getting all out of breath. Or when we look around and congratulate ourselves for how well we hold our liquor. Or when eating is such an ingrained part of every social experience at home, at work and at church that we don’t even realize it anymore.

How appropriate that the context of their statement in the book of John was in response to Jesus’ proclamation that the truth would see them free. Jesus wasn’t talking about literal slavery or submission to the Roman Empire. Jesus was talking about slavery to sin, which is every bit as applicable and real to you and me today.

Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. (John 8:34-36)

So if we’re practicing sin, we’re enslaved by it, whether our particular poison is drunkenness, idolatry, gluttony, riotousness, arrogance, promiscuity or just generally missing the mark when it comes to our Christian walk.

But we don’t have to be slaves to it, because the Son has set us free.

So when we feel stuck, trapped in a place we don’t want to be, whether that’s obesity, sickness, hopelessness, abuse, addiction or something else, remember these things:

1. Recognize freedom is possible.

Instead of being fooled by a false sense of normalcy based on the people around you or just the way things are today, look at the standard God sets in His Word, and the freedom that Jesus promises through His sacrifice. He did not intend for us slavery. He intended freedom. We’re not stuck in sin. Christ’s atoning death and resurrection afforded victory over sin. The battle is won, and victory is ours for the taking. So reach out and take it already (I’m looking at myself here).

2. Refresh your memory of what freedom really looks like.

He promises freedom through faith and the fruit of the Spirit that comes from abiding in Him (Hint: one of those is self-control, for those of us wanting freedom from food addiction and weight struggles). He promises the freedom that comes with a light yoke and an easy burden — freedom that comes from submitting to godly guardrails and trusting the Lord. It comes from letting Him fight our battles and bear our burdens, trusting Him and seeking Him in every step of our life instead of trying to do everything ourselves. I consider myself fairly independent, but let’s face it: self-sufficiency is exhausting. And almost everything in life is really out of our control if we’re honest about it. Freedom is following God, doing what we can, recognizing our limitations, and trusting Him with all of it.

3. Recalibrate your standards.

Make sure you’re measuring yourself with the right yardstick. “Normal” is a relative concept. Like almost every other relative concept, it’s ultimately meaningless. I appreciate that God’s existence creates for us an absolute, unchanging standard of right and truth, and that He gives us an unwavering example to follow in His Son Jesus, who is all-sufficient.

Rather than chase the approval of people who seem to find me “too much” one day and “not quite enough” the next, I like the idea of gravitating toward the all-sufficient savior, because the other thing I’ve learned from too many years of trying to fit in is that when everyone around me is telling me I’m too much or not enough, it means I’m in the wrong place. I’m chasing something I’m not supposed to catch. It means the company isn’t a fit. It means the circle of friends … aren’t. It means the relationship isn’t meant to be.

It’s not about fitting in, it’s about whether those things or those relationships fit you and who God is making you. If you’re walking after the Lord, the things that don’t fit will naturally fall away because you’re growing into the person God intended you to be, rather than someone people around you think you should be.

4. Rest in your identify as a child of God.

Turns out the only person we’re really supposed to be is ourselves. Nobody else can tell you how to do that. There are only two experts in that field: you, and the One who created you. Well, maybe there’s only one expert — let’s face it, you and I kind of stink at always knowing what’s best for us.

This process of becoming — sanctification — isn’t just some goal to achieve — there’s not really a finish line in this life. We’re a work in progress from our first day until our last. That’s why our lives are referred to as our “walk” in the Bible. We’re supposed to keep moving, obeying God’s commandments and following Jesus’ example, resting in the truth that we are His creation, clothed in His righteousness.